Friday, January 16, 2009

Where Did All the Money Go?

We live in a time of economic distress. Savings accounts are a fond memory of the past, when people had jobs and didn't have to worry about losing their homes to foreclosure. 

People are increasingly finding themselves not having the money anymore to take vacations, pay for college, buy new cars, or not eat the gross, generic Rice Krispies on the bottom shelf of the cereal aisle.

One question:  Where did all the money go?

It has to be around somewhere. Billions and trillions of dollars can't have just disappeared into thin air. We refuse to believe that this is viable. If the government can decide to give tax cuts, bailouts, rebates, and any other forms of stimuli, why can't we make it quick and dirty and shell out some twenties to everyone every now and again? Honestly, United States Government, it's time to rethink your strategies. We're not going to tolerate this forever.

Until next time, when our pockets are hopefully a tad fuller,

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The List According to AG

Greetings, everyone!

This post will be the first in a series – a column on what I like to call "The List of Things I Claim to Hate, But Secretly Don't Mind and May Actually Enjoy." As you can see, this needs some shortening. The list is just that, and this is the space in which I will air my grievances on this topic. Nothing is off limits – people, places, things, ideas, anything.

You may be wondering how I can stretch this list over the lifespan of an entire column. To these concerns, I say: fear not. My fickleness will not disappoint.

Today's entry will be about the man who's always been at the top of my list. He who the simple mention of his name spins me into a bottomless pit of hatred and rage, but whose melodious tones can also brighten up a sad day.

He is: Billy Joel.

I live on Long Island, a stone's throw away from where Billy Joel grew up. He, along with Joey Buttafuoco, Jerry Seinfeld, and Rosie O'Donnell, are the biggest things to come out of this glacial skidmark. As a result, Billy Joel, whose decades-long career has catapulted him to international fame and made his music instantly recognizable to nearly anyone who hears it.

But his fame has come at price (to me). It seems as though I can't go anywhere without being accosted by his presence. "Hometown Hero" signs, plaques to show where he ate/slept/went to school/tripped over a crack in the sidewalk. Enough. He's a human being, and a publicly flawed one at that. From what I remember, he drove into someone's house or onto someone's lawn while he was drunk in the Hamptons. If this is a hometown hero, Long Island, you've got a lot to learn. (Notably, to not play an hour-plus straight of his music at my senior prom.)

And yet...anytime I hear his songs on the radio, I secretly swoon. I've been known to hum a tune of "For the Longest Time" every now and then, and who can resist the magical chords of "Piano Man" or "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant"? Billy Joel is an American pop icon, and his music provides timeless pleasure.

Still, I can't help but wear the mask of someone who hates him. Someone has to do it. He can't be accepted as great and wonderful and good and everything that's right with thoughtful piano-inspired melodies. I'm a firm believer in the fact that if a person is universally loved, they'll be able to take over the world with no objection and obliterate the human race.

And we can't have that happen. Not by Billy Joel, not by anyone.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

First Entry

I wrote the first entry! Ahahahaha! I'll be able to write a more substantial entry after I get a snack.